Honest Vulnerability Reveals Hope: A Survivor Story

Welcome to "Life of Love with Julie Hilsen," where Cindy Benezra passionately underscores the healing power of sharing one's story. Join us as we explore how trauma manifests, often unexpectedly, and the profound impact of breaking the silence around abuse. We believe that finding your voice is the first step toward empowerment, nurturing authenticity in relationships and fostering deeper connections.

In our conversations, we delve into the personal journey of forgiveness, often beginning with self-apology, and emphasize the importance of support systems for trauma survivors. We discuss how recognizing signs of trauma in others can lead to meaningful support, and how each individual's healing journey requires patience, grace, and access to essential resources and professional support.

Tune in to "Life of Love" for insightful discussions that encourage healing, awareness, and the transformative power of sharing experiences. Whether you're seeking personal growth, understanding, or ways to support others, our podcast is here to accompany you on your journey toward healing and wholeness.

Cindy: book on Amazon using my Associate's Link (I earn a small commission)

https://amzn.to/4iGgZ6N

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Chapters

• 0:00 Creating a Safe Space for Healing
• 3:29 The Journey of Sharing Trauma
• 10:36 Breaking the Silence: The Weight of Shame
• 17:21 The Complexity of Healing and Forgiveness
• 26:14 Reclaiming Self-Love and Identity
• 34:15 Supporting Survivors: Awareness and Compassion

Transcript

Julie Hilsen AI (00:03)
Thank you, my dear listeners. I appreciate our community and my dear friends who subscribe and share this heartfelt inspiration.

Julie Hilsen (00:13)
Dear God, loving angels, spirit guides, I welcome you to our space that we created today. I am so honored and delighted to host Cindy on Life of Love. I am looking forward to us holding space for the souls who need release and expression. And this episode is dedicated for the people who feel like they're not seen, the people that feel invisible.

and the people without voices. So we are coming together and I asked Cindy's team to join if they're inclined. My Akashic team, my guides, my angels, like I said, all of my team who whoever's available, please come in and support our message for the highest good, bring us clarity and strength of signal to reach the hearts that need to hear and the souls which need to soften, help us.

create a channel that is strong yet gentle so that the message can reach the people, like I said, that need it. And I thank you, thank you, thank you for your love and support. And I thank all the beings who made this connection possible as these things are not taken for granted at all for me. And I present this episode with all my heart. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Cindy Benezra (01:29)
Thank you.

Julie Hilsen (01:29)
Hello dear friends and welcome to another episode of Life of Love where we gather each week to bring forth a message for the highest good, to explore what life of love looks like. And some days it's pretty clear and some days it's a bumpy road and we honor, we honor every moment and understand that every chance we get, we can take our free will and make a choice for our highest good, whatever that looks like with no mistakes, no guilt, no shame.

and share our path. And so I'm really delighted to bring forth this special soul, Cindy B- Benezra. So good. Thank you for being on Life of Love. I just look forward to this so much. I can't tell you.

Cindy Benezra (02:05)
Benezra, yeah, it's a tongue twister. Benezra.

Same here, Ditto, it's an honor to be here. Thanks Julie for having me.

Julie Hilsen (02:20)
I know, because last time we tried it was really bad weather in Seattle and then we had the holidays and so this is right on topic and there's just so much exciting developments are happening in our world and so much clarity being brought forth that I just I'm delighted.

So Cindy is an author, a speaker, a sexual abuse advocate, an entrepreneur and a philanthropist.

She's been dedicated to removing the stigma around sexual abuse through candid and open conversations. So I'm really excited, Cindy, to have you share your story and your wonderful book, your creation. we're holding space for those who feel insignificant and I would love to kick it off with you sharing what

What transformed in your life that you're like, I gotta share this, I gotta share my story because I'm sure it was painful to relive or the first few times going through what you went through, because you go through it physically and then like we were talking about, it's this backpack that you carry around, these traumas that we survive through. What gave you the courage to get into it again and face it?

Cindy Benezra (03:32)
Yeah, think it's not natural to talk about our, you know, it's natural to talk about what gripes us and what's our pet peeve and, you know, passing on, you know, you know, whatever's in our, like, whatever's just angsting us that day. However, I think when we have trauma or something that we carry that perhaps has maybe some shame.

or something that is so deep rooted where you feel that others will judge you. I feel with those things, we carry it around like a backpack. We carry those things and we try to cope with them the best that we can, however they're done in silence. And in that silence, I think we move, we do several things. I believe we...

pretend that they don't exist, they're not so bad, they don't affect me, I'm gonna be okay. However, as you tread through the years, as things spark and things trigger you, they pop up and they show their little ugly faces. Those little skeletons come right back out, or it may be perhaps in a relationship's personal or whatever it may be. Those things pop up and they show again, they reveal themselves like,

this is past trauma, I don't talk about this, it doesn't feel good. Or perhaps we do share this, we go to a therapist office and we do talk about it there and it's all nicely wrapped up in a beautiful bows in different perfect boxes and we just let it sit there. And I have to say, I do believe that that's when, you could find a way to find some form of healing and you've sorted out in your mind, that's...

That's a beautiful place. I really kind of think that's, if I look back, that was a perfect place. And I kind of recommend that for everybody. If you could find healing and go back and put that box and clean it up as much as you can and store it and feel as resolved as you can. However, for me, this was,

Julie Hilsen (05:27)
you

Cindy Benezra (05:33)
something that I've had years and years of therapy. And I recall, it was actually on a girls trip, boy, I was in my 50s already, and I recall a two-truths-one-lie or something like that. I don't even really remember specifically, we were sharing stories and I shared that I was sexually abused.

the group of ladies turned around and they were stunned. And, in that they were like, I had no idea. You don't look like a survivor. And that kind of, was like, Hmm, what, what does a survivor look like? What does a survivor act like? What does a survivor think like? And, and then I'm like, well, haven't you met somebody? And there are, most of them said no. One person said, yes.

And in that, they were like, but this doesn't, share my story a little bit and they said, well, this doesn't really happen. And in that, it gave me pause. And I thought, okay, so the statistics are here in America, one in four girls, one in six boys. And those are the reported cases. So it made me think about a statistic. And as I looked around the room, we were probably about like 10, I thought, I'm sure there's somebody here, maybe a couple.

And as I started to unfold my story, people admitted, yes, this had happened to me too. And as I was going through life, I recognized, yes, there is always somebody. And I find it interesting too that men step up and talk about it a lot more than women. Women will do it slightly in detail or when they're feeling

open, but men really don't have a platform to share their heart or their feelings. There's a lot of, there's a stigma around it. And sometimes I ask, you know, would you be willing to share this? What prevents you from saying, you know, sharing this? What keeps you in your silence? And it's just the shame. It's the shame. And so when I think about just the shame, right now women have this

Julie Hilsen (07:17)
Mm-hmm.

Cindy Benezra (07:34)
incredible platform to talk. Although we're not, we're not, we don't always use it when we pack up these, these big heavy backpacks and walk around with them. Men are really struggling right now in, this. statistically this happens when we're, you know, a person is younger where someone could take advantage of you or we don't recognize the signs and then

Julie Hilsen (07:54)
Thank

Cindy Benezra (07:59)
Often too, kind of leaves, feel spiritually, it feels like a veil that we, if you've had this happen to you before, it's like a predator just knows that veil has been broken and that person just knows and I find it interesting that it happens to that person possibly a second time around or maybe a multiple times around.

And I don't know exactly what that is, but it feels to me spiritually like a fail. And it had happened to me again. And I thought, I think mine's damaged. So I do not know this comfort level of being with somebody else. And I recognize now a predator, but I didn't recognize it when I was younger.

Julie Hilsen (08:31)
Mm-hmm.

That makes such sense. And that's why I want to talk to you about the silence around it. It creates this shadow, the silence of shame, of, well, it's not talked about. So there's something really sinister and an innocent child who clearly just wants to please and be included. And I think it is, I think it's a type of

person who is highly empathic, that the predator senses that that child wants to be seen and to be praised and to be included and just to do a good job. And they take that

compliance and they rip away the innocence. And it's the most sinister way of robbing someone in their soul and their spirituality. Because that person also, that little child knows that there's something wrong, but they trust that predator. And then they also don't want to hurt their family members because they know it's going to upset those that love them the most.

Cindy Benezra (09:48)
Mm-hmm.

Right.

Julie Hilsen (10:06)
So

it's almost like they're protecting themselves and their families because it's just they know it's so dark and so sinister that maybe it's just better to just take it. And like you said, the repeat occurrence.

Cindy Benezra (10:22)
Yeah, and

it doesn't necessarily always happen. Yeah.

Julie Hilsen (10:23)
And I didn't realize the

men, just never, you always think about the me too, but I love that you illuminated the divine masculine, the sacred masculine in this because as a mass consciousness, we're all going through this cleanse.

Cindy Benezra (10:39)
We are. are. I find right now, think it's I feel that so many of us in lots of different areas are looking for our voice, for looking for self-expression. And sometimes I do believe that that is the only that is the beginning. That's the first spark as finding your voice, finding the courage to

Julie Hilsen (10:41)
Hmm.

Cindy Benezra (11:01)
even think about expressing it. And I think that's where that little fire begins. And it begins with that. And if you want to take the next step, it goes from there. But there is freedom in doing this. And then in this freedom, there is healing. I think challenging yourself with your traumas is also the way through.

Julie Hilsen (11:03)
Mm.

Mm hmm. I was doing a Peloton workout this morning and the featured artist was Jelly Roll. And I don't know if you follow him. It was something, I'm gonna mess up the name of the song. It was something to, I'm not all right, but it's gonna be okay.

Cindy Benezra (11:35)
I don't.

Mm-hmm. Love that.

Julie Hilsen (11:48)
And

that we don't have to be perfect. Just trust and take the next step to pick up your head and be like, all right, this is coming up and I deserve to be heard. And I just go back to your girls trip, you felt safe around these women and that game you played, you're like, well, I'm just gonna put it out there. And you open that up for that group and that I, know, we always put...

like layers on situations that were gonna be judged or that, you know, it's gonna change the dynamic, but most of the time, just being honest, just frees everyone around you to be more authentic in themselves. And just to know that we're not expected to be okay, you know, to be perfect, to show up as, you know, this model of whatever a human's supposed to look like. We all have these struggles. It's so beautiful.

Cindy Benezra (12:40)
Right? Right? I wasn't afraid

of sharing my story, nor was I afraid of being judged. What I was afraid of was the response, that it doesn't really happen or that they don't know anybody. And to me, that was alarming. I thought, my goodness, are we, are people living in denial? Do we not talk about this? And then later on, people's belief that this only happens in Hollywood.

This is only a social issue for, you know, actors and actresses. And that was alarming. That was truly, truly alarming to me. And I thought, the more we talk about this, the more we share, the more light we bring from the darkness. And that is the key to hope to going and finding out the tools that we need to begin our healing journey. So that was, that was,

the spark of it, but I have to share. My father is a sexual predator. So my father was the one who blessed me. So he is the predator. And I grew up with a pedophile. And this perspective to be a child of a pedophile, there is shame in that.

Julie Hilsen (13:38)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Cindy Benezra (13:53)
because I feel responsible at times for other people's grief, even though it doesn't, it logically there's no sense in that, but I do because I know how bad it hurts. I know how far you have to dig out of it. So I have incredible empathy for other survivors who go through this and everybody's grief and everybody's pain is relative. So what I've done is just

It's, well, let's just say, some people will say, but I've been raped this many times or I've been, you know, and you haven't gone through the pain that I haven't gone through. And I understand it because it's all relative and our healing journey is all relative too. and there's also no right or wrong through this path too. And I think that's when we sit back and we give ourselves kindness and grace and

kindness for others and ourselves. And also the way we talk to ourselves in this healing process, I think I always look at like, how would I talk to a friend? How would I talk to someone that I just love? And I have to be really cognizant of trying to find that same grace to myself and voice it for myself. Yes.

Julie Hilsen (14:55)
Thank

voiced for yourself.

And I think like, I don't know, like the timing of this, but becoming a mother, you realize that you get the chance to reset a soul basically, like there's a soul path and, I believe that many child predators experienced abuse themselves. So it's a system interrupt. And like,

Cindy Benezra (15:26)
Exactly.

Julie Hilsen (15:27)
I think what happened to me was because that person was abused. I'm almost positive, but you know, it's hard when there's certain people alive to go there or to illuminate that pain and avoidance and these habits that you do to carry that backpack around, to have the struggle constantly. You look for escapes and there's people who...

Cindy Benezra (15:49)
huh.

Julie Hilsen (15:54)
who can deal with it on a conscious level. And there's people who have to struggle through the abuse and the addiction. And that's just part of their path and no judgment. But just to recognize that you facing and working through this is, it's a divine, feminine, unconditional love for your children because you're not letting them be in that environment. You're correcting.

I say course correcting or, know, shifting timelines because energetically these children feel all the pain. We don't have to tell them. We don't have to, when mothers hurt, their children hurt. We don't have to tell them what our hurt is. They just know it.

Cindy Benezra (16:27)
Right.

Right? And you know, our children are our way of the future. But I was thinking just about my father. You know, he was raped in the war, I guess by 12 soldiers is what he told me. And as an adult, I was able to sit down with him and say, but okay, but why would you repeat the cycle?

Julie Hilsen (16:36)
Mmm.

Cindy Benezra (16:58)
Why would you, this has given you so much grief. Why would you repeat the cycle? And as I was going through the conversation and listening to his stories, yes, I felt for him. However, I was still very angry and what I told him is that this is still no excuse. There's no excuse for doing this to somebody else, creating pain. And I understand the cyclical cycle, but it doesn't make my healing less.

Julie Hilsen (17:11)
Mm-hmm.

Cindy Benezra (17:24)
It just prompted me to voice more and talk about this and talk about the complexities of this. And so at the very end, after listening to him, I was just almost kind of a misbelief where I said, hey, dad, I think I need to write a book about this. want, mean, I want to share what had happened to me, my story and how I found healing.

but I would like to write a story. And so in some ways he actually helped collaborate with me with this book, Under the Orange Blossoms. And through that, I think just hearing his truth, just hearing, you know, he's in his eighties and hearing his truth, which I wasn't able to hear before. And also recognizing the statistics and what's going on and how much

and angst that we carry from our shame and from other forms of trauma, how that internalizes in our body and how we live with that daily and how there's freedom on the other side. And my intent is just to provide hope and hope so that the light, just like in those dark moments, I always think about those times where I was a child thinking I'm gonna die.

He's going to hurt me. He's going to kill me if I share my story. And so when you come from that kind of deficit, as it doesn't have to be that extreme, it's still a deficit. And when you come from a deficit, to find the freedom in your voice, to express yourself, that really truly defines, a healing of the freedom of healing, the freedom. It's like a beginning.

Julie Hilsen (19:02)
That I was gonna ask you if if that reclaiming of your innocence the repairing of your relationship was was that the orange blossom because it's such a Metamorphosis, know a blossom is what's gonna bear fruit when it's gonna sustain other people But it also smells so good and it's so happy and and it's new life Yeah, and I'm just like I

I'm in awe that you were able to have that conversation with your dad, that he would even go there because so many perpetrators deny, deny, deny, but it seemed like energetically you guys were ready to take the next step for healing. And that's...

That took a lot of courage for both of you. More for- I mean, I'm not taking away anything from you, but it's just like, wow. That was-

Cindy Benezra (19:58)
I probably asked him over and over, thousands and thousands of times, why, why, why I would look for any kind of sign of admittance. then later on when I heard stories from other neighborhood children, boys and girls that my father had sexually molested them when they were adults,

that's, then I became furious. think it just took it to a whole other level. thought, my God. Okay. Me. But how dare you to somebody else? And I, I don't know why it took it. You know what? It was just the journey. It was just the process. But I think that's when I just became like, okay, this is.

horrific and I became incredibly persistent almost like a Pitbull just why why why I'm just no and So that was kind of but I thought it was interesting. This is the interesting part out of this I really felt that if I got him to admit that I would be able to heal and I thought the that Apology would somehow help me through this process and here I am

Julie Hilsen (20:42)
Mm-hmm.

You're like, I'm not leaving you alone.

Cindy Benezra (21:08)
He's 80 years old. admits it and we're sharing, gosh, eggs Benedict. he finally admits it to me. And I have to say, I did not magically get that healing, that thing that I wanted. His apology was just nothing what I wanted to hear at all. And with that, I think that's when I realized like, my goodness, I've been...

so concerned about the apology that what about my self apology? What about giving grace and kindness to myself and finding that? And I didn't know that that's what I was searching for. I didn't think that I had that gift or that power that I can do that for myself. And then from there go on to my healing journey. And so that was also part of,

Another part that I wanted to share and start writing and talking about this, because we don't necessarily always get the apology from somebody. And if you think about it, just in arguments and just in general, often our arguments, we don't really get to hear exactly. So it's very similar to that. And I actually wrote my own apology. I wrote, it was pages and pages long. And when I kept on dwindling down,

It was just basically ended up to be about a sentence long. And that was my process in the way of finding my own, finding the apology that I needed to have.

Julie Hilsen (22:37)
Yeah, it's, so true. It's very relevant that owning, owning your own apology and in you dealing with the situation as it presented to you is the only path to freedom from it, because only you can know how it affected you. And, and

your role in it and just unpacking the whole thing that you know your innocent child this had this was nothing that you asked for you just wanted a loving trusting relationship and just unpack that and know that the forgiveness is all in you like and i've done that too where i i i did what you said i forgave my myself for making a choice that hurt me and

And until you can do that, until you do it, you're just giving all the power to the other party. And so you're reclaiming your power, you're reclaiming your divinity, your innocence, you're resetting because they can't do it for you, it's all you. And it's a hard thing. We want people to be accountable, you want justice, right? But it doesn't matter. So what? They gotta deal with it.

Cindy Benezra (23:24)
Mm-hmm.

right?

Uh-huh.

Julie Hilsen (23:46)
They gotta deal with their actions, their thoughts. You can just do your best.

Cindy Benezra (23:49)
speaking was just speaking up, just sharing with, just at the very beginning, that was the beginning, sharing with a friend, finding somebody who I trusted and asking them, don't share this with somebody else, I just need to share my story, can we keep it here? And feeling safe in that. And I think that was something along the years that I was able to do.

And it was a good beginning, a very, very good beginning. Later on, it became therapy. At 16, when I was, I had thoughts of becoming sexually active. I had these horrific dreams that were coming in night terrors. And it was a reflection of all what happened in the

Julie Hilsen (24:29)
Thank

Cindy Benezra (24:40)
So I went through complete PTSD and I dissociated. I completely dissociated from my childhood. So I grew up not knowing what had happened to me. All I knew was I didn't like my father. I felt he was a violent man, an argumentative person, and I didn't like him. So I avoided him like the plague. I loved my mother. I just kind of, yes, exactly. You know, that's it.

And so later on when I started becoming sexually active, that's when all these dreams and all these pieces came back and it was dissociation. And thank God for the human body. It just allowed me to erase all that and go on with life because I don't know what I would have done. mean, I don't know. But it allowed me to have a childhood. And when it came back,

I was just, it all came back in story, little lines, little pieces. But if I had to put all those little pieces of paper together, it looked like a broken mirror. And in the mirror, I could have little like, maybe if I had to put it in a book, because I did save all this later on. And that's how I wrote my story. In every shard of glass, it was a couple chapters.

a couple chapters and in those chapters I was able to formulate what had happened to me in the past, learn as I was older and through therapy I was able to find out that dissociation is a very common thing, it was also a survival tool and the PTSD, the things that I was going through, the anxiety, I became suicidal when I was a teenager and that was my pivotal point where

How am I going to find my self? How am I going to heal? And that really became my healing journey into trying to find self-love for myself. And those are the tools that I talk about in my book. I describe the story, but it's really the tools because I think the tools are what we're looking for. How do we get through? And those are just the things that I did, but everyone has different things at work for them, but I share those tools. And a lot of them are...

Well, I had to find a way to love my body again. I used to stare in the mirror and try to identify what I liked about myself and then write that down and try to give it love, send love to it. Think about it. I love my eyebrows and I love my teeth and I would think about that like I love my eyebrows and I love my teeth. And then just work up from that. I also looked for inspirational quotes and would write those things. I would make my own up.

I would say mantras and every time I went to the bathroom, would tape them to the bathroom mirror and say them over and over and over again. I started meditating and I know everyone's form of meditation looks different. I started meditating and doing visionary work. Visionary work was a beautiful way that I, for a teenager, I could tear things out of a magazine and then put them out on my bed.

post them or tape them to anything and I could picture myself through that, close my eyes and envision where I wanted to go with that. Mainly it was like a finding self love, but it was an incredible journey to do this and it still is. I have to say sometimes I'm not there and so I kind of just go back in my old toolbox and I have to go back.

Julie Hilsen (28:00)
And you have two children or one? You have four children and a relationship, a great marriage, and that's a testament to the work you did. mean...

Cindy Benezra (28:03)
Four.

Julie Hilsen (28:12)
because it's hard to connect and have a successful marriage and raise four kids with that, you know, the history. So it's a testimony to your journey and how you, how these pillars that you put yourself on to.

you know, to have the affirmations to go to self care and self love. I'm just so glad that you had therapy before, you know, more heartbreak. I'm sure there's plenty of heartbreak along the way. But, and you reclaimed your your sexuality, your sensuality. Because I just feel that you did. I mean, did that happen?

through or do you remember being like, no, I'm reclaiming my sensuality or was it a conscious thing that you said, that's not that's that doesn't belong to my dad that doesn't belong in the shadows. I'm essential worthwhile, you know, I deserve to feel pleasure. mean, because I bet that that was a difficult thing to feel pleasure with when you had to disassociate from your what happened with your dad. I know if you want to go there.

Cindy Benezra (29:01)
Hmm.

yeah, Noah. I have to say, my husband, well, this is really how my journey went. I forgot about this. So when I would date, I would actually, so I could protect myself. I would tell them I have sexual abuse history. I would just wait for the response to see what they would say.

And right away, always, they're like, tell me more. Or if they were like, ooh, this is a lot, then I would just, like, you're not for me. Just as quickly as like, just, you're not for me. And if, if I also, as I was getting more serious and thinking about maybe having a partner and a family, I thought if we cannot even have a past conversation or a heavy conversation, you're probably not the right fit for me. And so I would just,

Julie Hilsen (29:50)
That was so wise!

Cindy Benezra (30:10)
just go on and just go, know, you're lovely, but you're not going to be the right person for me. And I just recognized where I really needed help and support. And so I did that. That's how I dated. I dated through telling everybody that I was sexually abused. but I have to say, very beautiful people. have really wonderful people because of being honest with myself. And I...

It was truly out of self-protection that I was able to do that.

Julie Hilsen (30:39)
That's beautiful. And I just, I just feel in my heart that you were destined to share this story. I mean, the courage it took to date and put it on the line and be that authentic. And then the payoff that you can tell people. I'd met the most incredible understanding people, even if you didn't end up marrying these men, they want, they were like, okay, you know, like, I hear you, I see you and, and you were

You weren't defined by your situation, but you let them know that was part of your deal. And that's beautiful.

Cindy Benezra (31:12)
Right? Just sort of like if it's an illness, like if we have to take

a pill, I take this medication, I do this. I was a previous drug addict, I was an alcoholic. We share those things. We have greater odds in sharing our weaknesses. I do believe that. I believe we have greater odds in creating empathy and compassion for ourselves and also it opens up a door.

Julie Hilsen (31:27)
Mm-hmm.

Cindy Benezra (31:37)
for the other person to share too. it's, you're thinking about having, well, I don't know if it's long lasting, because we never know if it's long lasting, but I think if we look at having a healthy, let's say our balanced relationship, I think the more that we share our weaknesses and our flaws and become more vulnerable, the chances are of that openness,

Julie Hilsen (31:45)
You

Cindy Benezra (32:00)
creates a higher success level of a healthier relationship, female or male.

Julie Hilsen (32:05)
Because

yeah, because in the end, it's it's teamwork, right? Like, when when you're feeling down, it's really great to have a relationship that can bring you up and then you can help them when they feel down. And that's, that's the give and take. And that's the beauty of like a sustaining, beautiful relationship, even friendship, like you said, any kind of relationship, friendships, you know, mother, parent, child relationships.

Cindy Benezra (32:09)
Right?

Julie Hilsen (32:32)
It can serve us so well just to be authentic and honest. But why is it so scary to reveal those vulnerabilities? You know, I mean, for whatever reason, our ego wants to protect us.

It's but it's worth it. It's worth it to go there.

Cindy Benezra (32:46)
It is worth it. It's also revealing, you know,

if you sit down with somebody, it doesn't have to be just a friend. And if they are not able to...

to have compassion for you from a trauma, from a past trauma or something that happened currently, they're probably not a good fit for you. And it's okay to move on and recognize that and go, it's okay. This is probably a person that can't offer me something else in the future if I happen to have something else that was significant, you know, maybe give you comfort. It's a good thing to recognize.

Julie Hilsen (33:20)
Yeah. Yeah.

And I always say, thank you for the clarity. Like, no judgment. It's just clarity. It's like, it's okay, you know, like, you don't have to be best friends with everybody.

Cindy Benezra (33:26)
Yes, thank you for the card.

No, no. But it is

a very vulnerable place to put yourself into. But I would start with a friend or I used to share my story with strangers because I didn't have really any attachment to them. And then I would be able to kind of judge a little bit like, that was too much. That was too little. Or and that's how I was able as a young person to

grow and recognize and then later on I just thought, they don't really have the substance of what I would like to have in a person that I just wouldn't want to know somebody like that.

Julie Hilsen (34:08)
Yeah, just not gonna invest

any more time because they're needed. They fit the signature of somebody else better than you anyway, so you don't want to waste their time either. You know, like if they could have a more sustaining, loving really friendship with someone else. Well, that we're getting up on our time. I can't believe how fast this hour went. But what would you recommend to? Well, we've talked around it and through it, but how can we support?

Cindy Benezra (34:19)
Yeah.

Julie Hilsen (34:37)
children who might need a voice or friends who might need a shoulder. How can society better support survivors of childhood abuse? What would you say?

Cindy Benezra (34:48)
Well, think recognizing that this happens all the time and we look around and we think, it doesn't happen to this kind of, I think we look at people and go, it doesn't happen to this kind of person. I think if you have a mindset where it can happen to anybody, it could happen to somebody of affluence, it could happen to any social economic person, it has no boundaries.

Julie Hilsen (35:18)
It doesn't discriminate against you.

Cindy Benezra (35:19)
It does not. And I think when

you recognize that, this does happen, it creates a little bit more awareness. And when you look at it, especially a young child,

I think keeping a real awareness that anything could happen. Trauma is still trauma and looking at them as how can... Searching in their mindset, like how can I help you? Just looking out for any possible signs of, doesn't feel right, this doesn't feel right. So I think...

Julie Hilsen (35:45)
Hmm.

You see, wait,

baby, you seem upset. Do you want to talk about or are you feeling okay? Just sort of being there tuning in to a child who seems unsettled or nervous or anxious. Okay.

Cindy Benezra (35:52)
Yeah.

using words like, tell me more.

What does that make you feel like? Do you want to share this with me? Can we talk more about this? You know, it just, it just open up, just lightness and be kindness so that they can, if you see that. And I would investigate further and

There's amazing organizations out there. RAIN is actually one of my favorite go-to all-inclusive ones. there's a lot out there, but it depends on where you are and what state you're in. It also depends on social funding. so a lot of times in rural areas, it's thank goodness for the internet. I think you could find a lot of support there and there's a lot of 1-800 numbers out.

Julie Hilsen (36:39)
Okay.

Cindy Benezra (36:52)
And most people feel more comfortable reaching out to a stranger because it's safe and they're trained and they know how to guide you through that. And I'd have to say also listen to your gut, listen to your real, we all have this incredible innate ability to, if you are an adult survivor, I do want to say we all have a way, we have this innate,

Julie Hilsen (37:09)
you

Cindy Benezra (37:18)
to heal and survive. And if you really listen to your soul, if you really listen to your gut, it will guide you through your journey, but also with support and professional support, friends. But think about what resonates with you. I remember going through different therapists and I was like, this person doesn't resonate with me anymore. They were great for two sessions, but I'm moving on.

Julie Hilsen (37:40)
Mm-hmm.

Cindy Benezra (37:44)
And you know what, that's okay. think listening to yourself through that process, this type of therapy doesn't work for me. I'm going to try this. And if it's standing on your head, stand on your head. If it's praying, pray. If it's EMDR, do that. If it doesn't work, try something else. I think we're all very tenacious souls and really kind of listen to yourself and be kind and graceful to who you are.

Julie Hilsen (38:12)
That's great advice, because you're right. Your signature is going to respond to a therapy differently than someone else. And that's just, that's why we're, we're all one in, one in a million trillion, right? Like, we're all totally unique. So honoring that and, and having grace and it's just such beautiful advice.

And I'll put links to the things you mentioned in the show notes and of course your book under the orange blossoms. Yeah, so that it's a beautiful read. It's gorgeous. And thank you so much for sharing. And this has just been such a moving episode. I'm very happy to bring it forth.

Cindy Benezra (38:54)
Thank you, Julie. And thank you for sharing your story.

Julie Hilsen (38:57)
Thank you.