Life of Love with Julie Hilsen

Sacred Connection & Keeping the Flame Alive ❤️‍🔥✨ | w/ Jonathon Aslay

• Julie Hilsen • Season 3 • Episode 34

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Relationship expert warrior for love, Jonathon Aslay, shares insights, secrets and tips for zoning in on the perfect partner, and the ability to be radically authentic as a sexy, soul mate attracter. We have a blast discussing not only dating but exploring how to fortify relationships of all kind through compassionate communication. This one's a game-changer. 

  • Curiosity + Intentionality are the doorways to secure connection.
  • Attachment spotting: ask about past relationships; listen for ownership.
  • NVC in 3 steps: what happened → how I feel/need → are you willing…?
  • Appreciation daily: aim for ~80% positive acknowledgments—tiny, specific, frequent.
  • Micro-rituals: 20–120 second hugs, “I see you when…,” bedtime check-ins, weekly “state of us.”
  • Friendship first: prioritize liking each other—rabbit-hole chats, shared curiosity, play.
  • Requests from love: trade criticism for clear, kind asks.
  • Grief alchemized: asking “What would love do?” creates meaning and gentleness.

Try this tonight

  • “When you did ___, I felt ___ because I need ___. Are you willing to ___?”
  • Give three appreciations (specific!) before bed.
  • 30-second hug, slow breathing, no words.
  • Schedule a weekly connection date (phones away): one curiosity question each.

Guest

  • Jonathon Aslay — Relationship coach; host of What Would Love Do?; author of What the Heck Is Self-Love, Anyway?


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Julie Hilsen:

Hello dear friends and welcome to another episode of Life of

Jonathon Aslay:

So it is. Hey!

Julie Hilsen:

Hey Jonathan, thanks for being on the show.

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah, thanks for having me. I'm looking forward to this.

Julie Hilsen:

Yes. So guys, Jonathan is a relationship expert. He is specialized in

Jonathon Aslay:

Well, I appreciate the opportunity. You know, it's interesting

Julie Hilsen:

let's start with attachment, attachment style and what you've learned.

Jonathon Aslay:

something you said first because it relates to what we're talking

Julie Hilsen:

Yes.

Jonathon Aslay:

Actually, our default is insecure, whether we like it or not. And

Julie Hilsen:

that can give you a ton of information. You can find out if they tend

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah.

Julie Hilsen:

Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah.

Julie Hilsen:

But it's...

Jonathon Aslay:

if they were coming off a 20, 30 or 40 year marriage, whether they

Julie Hilsen:

I know, like creating a profile and all that. It's like, who, and

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah.

Julie Hilsen:

And the communication is becoming more and more important because

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah.

Julie Hilsen:

Hmm.

Jonathon Aslay:

go to college, get a job, meet someone, get married, buy a house,

Julie Hilsen:

Mm-hmm.

Jonathon Aslay:

that the friendship begins to wane, or worse, they just start going

Julie Hilsen:

Right? And

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah.

Julie Hilsen:

philosophy and these things are hard for us to put our finger on, but

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah.

Julie Hilsen:

Yeah,

Jonathon Aslay:

Okay.

Julie Hilsen:

you know, your physical safety and your financial safety. Then

Jonathon Aslay:

Okay.

Julie Hilsen:

Six, autonomy, freedom, consent. And seven was, gosh, I don't have

Jonathon Aslay:

Okay.

Julie Hilsen:

Right? Like you're not, you wouldn't be safe if you're vulnerable with

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah.

Julie Hilsen:

you know, your observation and your vulnerability that if you're not

Jonathon Aslay:

Well, can I dive in, Julie?

Julie Hilsen:

Mm-hmm.

Jonathon Aslay:

And when

Julie Hilsen:

Yeah,

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah.

Julie Hilsen:

Mm-hmm. Yes!

Jonathon Aslay:

the TV show Couples Therapy on Showtime, you'll see attacks on

Julie Hilsen:

And when I was going through these 10 universal needs, I was

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah. ⁓

Julie Hilsen:

you can use this communication as a playground to find out

Jonathon Aslay:

Sure.

Julie Hilsen:

Okay, we didn't start on time, which I now want to go into the

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah.

Julie Hilsen:

But yes, I guess we always start with the negative. We always start

Jonathon Aslay:

Well, you know what's interesting,

Julie Hilsen:

Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay:

It should feel like 80 % of the time you are in a state of

Julie Hilsen:

Mm-hmm.

Jonathon Aslay:

start with and they continue with that as a daily practice.

Julie Hilsen:

And it comes down to gratitude for that person being in your

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah.

Julie Hilsen:

universal needs. I'm just going to pull out one. You know, like you

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah.

Julie Hilsen:

Mm-hmm.

Jonathon Aslay:

and then move on from it. You sometimes we get too wrapped up in the

Julie Hilsen:

No, it's all good.

Jonathon Aslay:

can be redirected, and please forgive me, this sounds like a

Julie Hilsen:

And it's not even reserved for your romantic partner. It's also like

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah!

Julie Hilsen:

Yes, there's

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah.

Julie Hilsen:

I talk about myths a lot, but yeah, I'd like to emphasize that you

Jonathon Aslay:

You know,

Julie Hilsen:

And if your heart feels hard, and I always say soften your heart,

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah. Right. Can I share with you?

Julie Hilsen:

Now onto the next one.

Jonathon Aslay:

Okay, okay.

Julie Hilsen:

Sure.

Jonathon Aslay:

wasn't a six second hug. It wasn't even a 20 second hug. I like

Julie Hilsen:

Yes, yes.

Jonathon Aslay:

physical connection when we'd hang out. And then he went about his

Julie Hilsen:

Mm-hmm.

Jonathon Aslay:

longer by doing this. And so I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist

Julie Hilsen:

Yeah, no, and

Jonathon Aslay:

⁓

Julie Hilsen:

She's just south of where I live. ⁓ So it's just beautiful. And yeah,

Jonathon Aslay:

Okay, cool.

Julie Hilsen:

your book is amazing too, but also the nonviolent communication,

Jonathon Aslay:

Well, the idea is to make a request from love, make a request from

Julie Hilsen:

if it's

Jonathon Aslay:

we can look at our relationships from a performative

Julie Hilsen:

Okay.

Jonathon Aslay:

to unhealthy dysfunctional relationships growing up. Not intentional.

Julie Hilsen:

Ha ha ha.

Jonathon Aslay:

You know, and I mean, it's a fascinating game, you know, and you get

Julie Hilsen:

You

Jonathon Aslay:

and to be in that space of curiosity. I'm just here to, I love on

Julie Hilsen:

same. It takes years off your life and makes the years in your life

Jonathon Aslay:

Yeah.

Julie Hilsen:

Yeah, yes. I meant like years off your face. Yeah.

Jonathon Aslay:

Makes me look like I had a face look.